Dear Huds {6 months in heaven}
Hi Huds.
I miss you more than you can possibly imagine, and each day I just seem to miss you even more than the last. It doesn’t seem possible that you’ve been in heaven for 6 months today. In some ways it feels like I held you just yesterday, but mostly it feels like a lifetime ago. I replay that day 6 months ago constantly in my mind. The events of the day, but also the feelings - the sadness, the relief that you were no longer suffering, the numbness that is now wearing off. The magical sunset you sent us that day. Sometimes it feels like a dream I’ll eventually wake from. If only that were true.
You know what I miss most? The crazy. The loud, funny, challenging moments where I’d say “inside voice, Hudson!” The grand entrances, the yelling at the top of your lungs for the whole neighborhood to hear, the shouting out the car window “it’s a beautiful day!” at people passing by, the pushing of all of Addie’s buttons until she’d shout “HUD-SON!!!” The 4am wakeups as you’d whisper “mama” to get me up, followed quickly by your larger-than-life personality before the sun would rise. Your dance moves! And singing voice! And pounding on the drums with all of your might! My fun and crazy boy, you lit up my life.
Oh how this mama misses your sweet side, too. Those Hudson hugs! What I wouldn’t do to have your arms wrapped tightly around me and your face nuzzled in my neck just one more time. To hear “I love you mama” in that sweet voice of yours. To rest in the backyard hammock watching the sun set together. To have you lay over my back while I do child’s pose at the end of my workout. To be next to you in your bed under the stars, singing, praying and then hearing you say “don’t leave, mama” while pulling on my arm to keep me from getting up.
Daddy misses his little buddy, too. I think he misses the sweet side more than the crazy side, though. Ha! He really misses the Hudson hugs and cuddles. And the things you’d do together like launching model rockets, fishing and building LEGO sets. Nothing is the same for him without you.
Addie sleeps in our room every night now – it seems it isn’t getting any easier for her, either. She sleeps with your shark lovie every night. It’s even ripping, but don’t worry, I’m getting it fixed soon. And you won’t believe this – she’s recently declared blue her favorite color. I bet that makes you smile.
Your friends miss you, too, bud. They started baseball last week, and I know you would have LOVED playing it with them. I’m sorry you never had that chance. Benny got 2 outs and told me all about it at Addie’s last softball game… of course you already know how their games went. Oh, and Benny wears his Team Hudson shirt alllll the time. Miss Katie said he’s even wearing it today. It sure makes me smile when I see him in it!
I hope heaven is amazing, and that it truly is a “blink of an eye” for you until we are together again. It already feels like an eternity to me. I am grateful each and every time I see a sign from you, no matter how small. Please keep sending them! This morning I saw a cardinal on my run, and 3 more while Uncle Brian and I were playing tennis. Remember that black and white dragonfly we saw by the backyard pond last year? I don’t think I’ve seen one since, until today. Your memory garden is beautiful. I love to sit on your bench under the umbrella tree, amidst the flowers, and think of you. But honestly? None of it is enough. Nothing comes close to having you here with me. This mama’s heart is broken into a million pieces, and I will long for you forever.
I’m listening to my “Hudson” playlist, as I love to do. The song that just played was “The Dance” by Garth Brooks. Aunt Kristin sent me a version of that song recently, and it really made me think of you.
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
As I finish this letter, isn’t it perfect that 10,000 Reasons just started to play?
I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!
Love, Mama